A Memoir of Trauma, Love, and Complex Relationships
Nepal, Feb. 14 — In the heart of South Kolkata, a book event is taking place in a cozy cafe, where nearly 30 people have gathered to hear Rani Neutill speak about her memoir. One attendee asks what Rani’s mother would say if she read the book. Rani responds that it was her mother who initially encouraged her to write about their relationship. The audience laughs, some nodding in agreement, recognizing the peculiar way mothers can influence their children’s lives.
Rani Neutill’s memoir, Do You Know How Lucky You Are?, offers a raw and unfiltered look at her complex relationship with her mother. From the very beginning, readers understand that Rani’s mother was not the ideal parent. Yet, Rani’s narrative doesn’t just recount trauma—it delves into the reasons behind her mother’s actions, offering a mix of defense, justification, and deep emotional insight.
The daughter of a Bengali woman and an American man twice her age, Rani spent much of her childhood in the U.S., later moving briefly to Kolkata. After her father passed away when she was just two, she was left entirely in her mother’s care. Shukla, as Rani describes her, was a woman of contradictions—intuitive, beautiful, intelligent, yet burdened by family issues, personal struggles, and a mind prone to extremes.
One moment, Shukla drags young Rani up a hill in Kodaikanal, despite being clearly ill, simply to meet her spiritual guru. Another time, she sits on the edge of a bed, muttering to herself, leaving a small child to grapple with emotions she cannot comprehend. On another occasion, Shukla sends Rani to live with her grandmother in Kolkata after a period of truancy, separating her from the life she knew.
Rani’s memoir captures a mother who was both cruel and protective, who followed through on threats, who fought against the challenges of white America to build a life for her daughter, and who imposed strict rules. She even went so far as to threaten academic exile to a third-world city for any further misbehavior.
What makes Rani’s work unique is her relentless attempt to rationalize her mother’s cruelty. She weaves in historical context, discussing how British colonialism affected India, the patriarchal structures that limited women’s autonomy, and how trauma often goes unprocessed across generations. Her writing is passionate, almost pleading, as if asking the reader to see her mother not as a villain, but as a product of larger forces.
Rani’s mother, growing up in a household of eight children, was constantly pressured to use her beauty to secure a stable future for her siblings. This pressure led her down difficult paths, crossing borders and instincts in search of stability. Rani tries to understand these choices, framing her mother’s mental health struggles within a broader history of oppression.
One of the most striking aspects of Rani’s memoir is its departure from typical mother-child narratives. While many such books focus on the writer’s personal growth, Do You Know How Lucky You Are? does not reveal much about Rani beyond her role as a daughter. It feels as though she has chosen to shield parts of herself from the narrative, focusing instead on the shared pain of their relationship.
In the same city where Rani witnessed intense family conflicts, where she saw her mother clash with her grandmother and seven aunts, and where she learned harsh lessons during her teenage years, Rani delivers lighthearted moments at the book launch. She jokes with the audience, rolls her eyes at her mother’s antics, and playfully mocks a reader for thinking she used a pseudonym for a friend. “The book doesn’t show my humor,” she admits later.
But this is only part of the story. Rani, a teacher of creative writing and literature, has a rich academic background. She co-edited a book on the Korean pop band BTS, a fact that is barely touched upon in her memoir. She reveals that the original manuscript was thousands of pages long, almost like a diary, before being condensed to 264 pages. Some sections, including a detailed account of domestic abuse, were cut, even though Rani felt they were relevant.
The result is a sharp, cinematic narrative where key moments are shown rather than told. Readers experience the setting, the emotions, and the physicality of each scene. Rani’s descriptions are vivid, capturing the tension between her and her mother with a level of detail that brings the story to life.
The title of the book, Do You Know How Lucky You Are?, is a familiar phrase used by older Indian relatives to justify harsh treatment. For Rani, it serves as a direct acknowledgment of the challenges she faced. Despite the honesty in her writing, there is also a deep sense of love. This balance elevates the memoir, making the reader feel personally involved in the story.
Published in special arrangement with TheWire.in
Do You Know How Lucky You Are
Author: Rani Neutill
Publisher: HarperCollins
Year: 2025
