I Thought Using Savings For A Bar Mitzvah Instead Of College Was A Mistake. Here’s What I Got Wrong.

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When my older son turned 11, and we started planning his party, I initially thought a huge celebration might be too much. Throwing a formal party seemed extravagant and unnecessary, especially since “He doesn’t even dance,” I mentioned to my husband one evening as we sat at the kitchen table considering our options. However, my husband and I both knew that hiring a DJ would offer more than just dancing – it would include games like Coke and Pepsi and prizes like glow sticks, funky sunglasses and hats. A dance party would also mean being able to lift my son up in the air in joy and celebration during the hora.

My husband and I threw our own Jewish celebrations, known as bar and bat mitzvahs. We wanted to mark this important milestone in our children’s Jewish lives, but we were worried that a traditional bar mitzvah party would be too extravagant.

“His wedding isn’t even the issue,” I complained to my husband, envisioning how rapidly his expenses would add up.

“I could’ve saved this as his down payment on a place of his own,” I said sarcastically, envisioning all the centerpieces and decorations that would bring his desired theme to life. But beneath the teasing, I was secretly fretting that we might be making a costly error.

“I was thinking that we could use 50% of our savings and put the other 50% away for our teenager’s college fund,” I brainstormed, trying to come up with a way to justify throwing a small party for our teenager. However, that would only work if we reduced our guest list in half.

We were thinking of having a party that was just for kids, specifically for my son’s friends. I visited an indoor soccer field in consideration of unusual venues since we’re planning an event for a group of 13-year-old boys. To our surprise, we found out that these unique locations wouldn’t really save us money as we would have to bring our own food, tables, chairs, and other essentials ourselves, which ended up costing us a lot. Also, we needed a location that could handle the catering, and that further narrowed down our options. Every time we looked at a less expensive option, it seemed like we were actually spending more there in ways we hadn’t anticipated.

Back and forth, we talked over our preferences for months. We knew we wanted to celebrate in some way, and we didn’t want to have any regrets about not having everyone important to us there. The most affordable venues that fit our needs and the DJ known to throw lively and unforgettable parties booked up quickly, so we decided to go for it before it was too late. Despite feeling a little guilty that we might regret our decision, we set out to plan a big party for our son’s bar mitzvah.

Last year, my husband’s annual routine colonoscopy at age 45 revealed a significant, cancerous polyp, and surgery removed a portion of his colon. Thanks to early detection, he didn’t need any additional treatment, and more importantly, he wasn’t unnecessarily exposed to further danger. This brought home a realization: staying healthy gives you a reason to truly appreciate and celebrate life because it is uncertain in the future. In making plans, it motivated me to let go of worry about living in the moment—about spending money on celebrating parenthood and our son while they are still here.

My own personal health journey has also made this realization clear to me. As someone who lives with multiple sclerosis, I know firsthand that no one is immune to illness. Being able to appreciate and celebrate life is an opportunity not everyone has.

We lined up a venue, hired a DJ, hired a photographer, and arranged for decorations. I purchased an elegant dress to match the one I wore on my wedding day. Finally, we eagerly counted the days until our big event.

We weren’t conforming to any trend. We weren’t throwing a party that we thought others would expect. We were planning a celebration of good health and happiness, and the satisfaction of knowing we’re raising a child who will grow up to be a compassionate and effective adult. I found that those were more than enough reasons to have a grand coming of age celebration for our son, even if it meant delaying our college savings plans.

On a crisp November evening, after two years of anticipation, we had the most incredible night ever at my son’s bar mitzvah. He led the Torah reading and participated in a heartfelt service alongside the rabbi. Following the ceremony, we enjoyed cocktails, danced like we used to in college, and watched our son join his friends in celebrating.

The party kicked off with a heartwarming moment between me and my son as we swayed to “Count on Me” by Bruno Mars. My husband and I praised our teenager and shared memories of his funniest moments, and talked about what we hope for his future. We all knew our kid isn’t exactly a dancer, but with a great DJ and a crowd of loved ones, he surprised us by letting loose and having the time of his life. He ended up partying the night away with his friends and danced enthusiastically to “It’s My House.”

We woke up feeling elated next morning with no regrets. “I still can’t believe it’s over,” I said again and again in the following days. My son looked back on the fun times dancing to J-Kwon with his friends surrounding him and wished we could relive it. As we were basking in the joy of having experienced the perfect night, it hit me that even though celebrations only last a few hours, the memories of a special evening can last forever in your mind and through photos and videos. The feeling of that high never fully goes away.

I finally understand. Parties that I previously thought were excessive and wasteful now seem like money well worth spending. Wait till college comes around, and maybe my kids will have to take out loans just like I did. But one thing is for sure, we’ll never forget the joy on our faces as we danced into the night celebrating our son with all the people we love around us holding on tight.

These celebrations make life amazing. They’re the reason everything else seems to fall into its proper place. And I’m lucky because my younger son will turn 13 in three years.